An Ode to No One

Strings Attached

Every Dog

The slightly harrowing tale of a forum moderator stripped of his power and multiple user accounts and left unable to meddle and corral. Buy your copy today before we pulp the bleedin' lot.

Afore Ye Go

"In diabetes, there are five essentials for victory - six if you include my book."

"The answer is surely somewhere betwixt the doorstep."

"I am wearing my grandmother's grubby old undies."

"Diabetes is almost a game of about two or three halves."

~Keng Phooey

About the Author

Keng Phooey spent his early years quite near somewhere else, cultivating an unhealthy interest in law enforcement. In 2002, he discovered quotation websites and immediately began reciting vaguely pertinent one-liners to anyone who wasn't quick enough to get away. After Keng began making up glib platitudes of his own, he decided to publish them in a book, 'A Positive Platitude'. Besides making Keng a rich man, the book allowed people to appreciate just how knowledgeable and wise Keng was without them having to actually meet him - a win-win situation. Volume 1 of Keng's book was quickly followed by the imaginatively titled 'Volume 2' and, despite receiving numerous pleas for him to stop, Keng continues to jot down and publish his trite ramblings to this very day.

Bantastic

Dear forumers on the flora,

By the time that you read this, it will be too late - I will be gone.
Sorry, that came out all wrong. What I meant to say is: by the time I read this, you'll be gone. Banned, banned, banned. Banned in the wink of my eye - which, incidentally, is an eye that I've had on you all for quite a while now.

I fear that few people realise the time and commitment that's involved in my tediously refuting and rebuking every single contrary opinion fired at me from across the interweb. It isn't just a case of immediately hitting the ban button. First there needs to be a fair and open-minded interchange of the ideas which surround any conflicting viewpoint - THEN I'll hit the ban button.

Hence I've taken the decision to preemptively ban all forum members rather than risk the possibility of any future descent into dissent. This move thus enables me to devote more of my valuable time to my main hobby: ridding cyberspace of petty-minded egotists.

In the interests of preventing any vicious backbiting, the remaining member of the moderation team would be very grateful if you could all now turn off your computers and go to sleep. Night night.

The Cast

Mr Plod, the Toytown policeman. He is a good friend of Noddy and thinks Toytown can't live without him. Mr Plod definitely isn't an asshat.
Dinah Doll, a china doll who sells all kinds of everything in the market. Her favourite catchphrase is "For what it's worth, I agree."
Big-Ears, a wise, bearded Brownie who lives in a low-fat toadstool house outside of Toytown.
Bumpy Dog, lives with Tessie Bear, but accompanies Noddy on many adventures. Noddy first met Bumpy Dog in Toy-Dog Town because he was injured and Noddy used his scarf to help him. Heartwarming.
Mr. Wobbly Man, a funny little man who cannot lie down. He has a round base which he wobbles about on. He rocks back and forth to get to the low-fat biscuits.
Master Tubby Bear, Mr. and Mrs. Tubby Bear's son, and is sometimes called Chunky Footie Numb Numb.
Mr Tubby Bear, Noddy's next door neighbour. Rumoured to be living under police protection. Real name unknown.
Mrs Tubby Bear, Noddy's next door neighbour, it is clear that she, like Mr Tubby Bear are the superiors of Noddy, as if they are adults and he is a child, mainly because Noddy always refers to them as "Mr and Mrs Tubby Bear".
Teddy Tubby Bear, Mr Tubby Bear's brother, Mrs Tubby Bear's brother-in-law and Master Tubby Bear's uncle.
Clockwork Mouse, a toy mouse who often requires winding up.
Tessie Bear, A clever and kind teddy bear and a great friend of Noddy. Tessie Bear loves EVERYONE. Got that? Good.
Mr Sparks, Toyland's handyman, who can mend anything. His favourite catchphrase is "Hyperinsulinemia? I Like it!"
Mr Golly, the owner of the Toyland garage. He was replaced by the politically correct Mr Sparks. This is looking very much like a 'Whites Only' town.
Miss Harriet the Pink Cat (aka Miss Pink Cat (aka Tail-End Charlie)), a cat who sells low-fat ice cream. She is portrayed as a fussy and neat cat with a French accent and no patience for foolishness, even her own. Her favourite catchphrase is "Sorry I'm late, I originally intended to remain aloof from all of this."
Mr Jumbo, an elephant who is abnormally friendly with Clockwork Mouse.
Noddy, Noddy who?
The Skittles, a family consisting of Mrs Skittle and her many children of various sizes. Skittles are red and yellow in colour with black hands. The skittles are like bowling pins and love to be knocked down. They frequently run out in front of Noddy's car so he will hit them and knock them over.
Stinkly, A tramp who has never washed in his life. Not fresh.
Little-Ears, Big-Ears' brother who looks just like Big-Ears, but his ears are much smaller. He lives in a very tidy toadstool (yes, he probably is).
Bunkey, a thoroughly mischievous character, who purports to be half bunny and half monkey. He is later exposed as a fraudulent monkey who escaped from a travelling circus. His favourite catchphrase is "Cor, Blimey! I'm a right proper cheeky wind-up scamster."
Sly and Gobbo, are high-carb goblins who are very mischievous. They usually steal things such as low-fat ice cream, chocolate coins or Noddy's Kit Kat™. They often end up in jail after they have completed their evil schemes.
The Gollies, politically incorrect villains.
Clockwork Clown, a toy clown who makes funny tricks. He stands only using his hands not his feet because his feet "fell off".
Martha Monkey, a mischievous tomboy monkey with a penchant for fallacious caloric ratios.
Miss Prim, the crack-smoking school teacher who replaced the kinky, slipper-wielding Miss Rap.
Mr Milko, the local low-fat milkman.
Mr Train Driver, train driver who drives the Toyland Express train.
Sneaky and Stealthy, Sly and Gobbo's high-carb, low-fat cousins.

Thin Ice

Bulls on Parade

This decision is not up for discussion. And if anybody else asks me 'What decision is not up for discussion?', then there's going to be an almighty banfest such as has not occurred since the world's beginning until now, no, nor will occur again.

Rage Against the Machine

Dear 'Google [Bot]',

Your regular bouts of lurking have not gone unnoticed by the moderation team. It is my understanding that you and several of your ilk are orchestrating a coup d'état via the PM system. I politely suggest that you either post on the open forum so that I can take exception to your ramblings and ban you, or else be on your way from this place. We will be giving 'Yahoo [Bot]', 'MSN [Bot]' and 'Google Feedfetcher' the same ultimatum - so neither you nor any of your cronies can claim that my paranoia isn't evenhanded.

Still no Leads

Inevitably, the forum reached the tragically hilarious

'One man getting into an argument with himself' stage

Taken as Read

Being a conscientious sort, he decided to do things by the book.

Virtually Spotless

It has come to the attention of the moderation team that one of my personal messages, entitled 'Hit list - for Big Ron and his 9mm mop and bucket', was accidentally sent to all members by mistake. Some of our more observant forum regulars have noticed that those listed in my PM are mainly people who I've locked horns with in the past, while others appear to be listed simply for having made disparaging remarks about Nestlé's Kit Kat Chunky.

Whilst I can appreciate that all this must look bad, I've managed to come up with a surprisingly convincing explanation:

Whenever people upset me, whether it be here on the forum or in my other real life, I like to 'retaliate' with a random act of kindness - hence my arrangements for Big Ron and his cleaning services to go around and, quite literally, clean their properties. The £2500 price tag next to each name on the list only goes to demonstrate the high standard of Ron's work.

I can't really explain the 9mm remark; Ron only ever uses a .45 mop and bucket.

Not the Only Fruit

This new 'Last Word' section of the forum is for moderators to post terse messages to all recently banned members. These will be retrospective posts containing witty and/or clever replies that we were too angry to think of before we popped the cork on a bottle of BAN!

First up is 'John1967', who made the schoolboy error of mistaking the tomato for a vegetable. Far from backtracking, he then went on to question the ethics of my putting the FRUIT that we call tomato, into my FRUIT salad. Prior to lashing out with a ban, I was too busy trying to poke blood pressure medication through my grinding teeth to remind John that the tomato is in fact not a vegetable, but a fruit. FACT.

"Just like a unicorn that doesn't have the horn, or a seal without whiskers and flippers, a fruit salad without tomato is incomplete. It is little more than a work in progress, and needs to be treated as such."

Not my words, John, but the words of a well-respected expert horticulturist who's outstanding in his field of horticulture, and who, unfortunately for you, also wrote:

"The tomato is very much a fruit, and no amount of holier-than-thou ranting vegetablists on pseudoscientific web-based websites touting the so-called "aubergine paradox" can change that fundamentally fruity fact. I've traipsed all across the tinternet and back, but have never found any compelling evidence to suggest that the tomato is anything other than an
awfully red and undeniably juicy fruit. I've found a lot of inspirational pornography, but nothing whatsoever to backup the, quite frankly, ridiculous notion that the tomato is some kind of vegetable. If there are any vegetables in this argument (which there aren't!), then it's the vegetablists themselves and their "flat earth" thinking on matters involving this savory, typically red, edible FRUIT."

Professor Rumple T. Jazzhands, PhD, VD, BO.
Deputy manager, Toddington Garden Centre, Cheltenham.

So there you have it, John. You've been dealt a truly scientific, fact-based beatdown, and I suggest you take it with the love it's given. Whilst YOU might choose to omit tomatoes from YOUR "fruit salad", this does not grant you licence to deny others access to such tangy strangeness.

Meanwhile, deep in the Kentish countryside...

One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle

It has come to the attention of the forum moderators that a so-called blog has been set up exclusively to propogate propaganda of a sort which treats the mod team with contemptuous mirth and/or also derides us. Despite not owning a thesaurus, we've wasted little time in branding the individual behind this blog as at best unhinged, and at worst really rather very unhinged. Be warned, he'll use every trick in the book - parody, wordplay, irony, talking Labradors and even name-dropping Sigmund Freud(who's DEAD!) - all in an attempt to brainwash you into thinking that we're a bunch of so-called petulant rotters.

Muddyfox wrote:

"I had the misfortune to stumble across this poor excuse for a "blog" while searching Google for banal info that I could pretend I already knew. This so-called blog is certainly not my idea of "comedy". It seems to revel in its own subversiveness in an almost self-congratulatory fashion. I feel I speak for both members of this forum (who are two entirely different persons) when I say that we are a broad church, and that this well-meaning but terribly misguided "blogger" really needs to quickly comprehend that we will not put up with his intolerance. Even his frequent descents into "satirical" self-analysis are conceited. His so-called blog is in very great danger of collapsing in on itself like a black man's hole - hopefully taking 'Skanky Alan' and his so-called runny nose with it. His "deconstructive" approach to the contradictions, instabilities and so-called inevitable futility of arguments on interweb message boards must not be allowed to succeed; at least not until I've had my say.

I also wanted to use the words 'patronising', 'vacuous' and 'asinine'. I'm not entirely sure what they mean, but they sound pejorative enough for someone of my Kaliber."

Thank you, 'Muddyfox'. We can always rely on you for a bit of unbiased common sense. I know that we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I couldn't have put it better if I'd written that myself.

The cartoon with the overtly pious Labrador

Deadheading

It has come to the attention of the moderation team that nobody is here anymore. Whilst the practice of "playing hooky" might be acceptable on other inter flora, our rules explicitly state that:

"All members will show up, agree with what I've posted, then wait patiently for me to post something else."
(Section 29 part B(i): 'Right and proper timekeeping and being all there')

I would also like to take this opportunity to decline the offer of help made to me by our most recently banned member, 'Sigmund_Freud2010'. Firstly, we have very strict rules about putting moderator's posts under psychoanalysis, Mr Freud. Secondly, as I can find no account of it on Google, I would politely suggest that "Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder" is all in your head and not mine, sir. And, last but not least, you appear to have died on September 23rd, 1939, meaning that you have breached our forum rules in regards to the deceased posting (See below).

(Section 15 part D(i) and (ii): 'Forum policy in regards to the policing of the graveyard shift and policy in regards to the amended policy in regards to the brazen act of tombstoning')

(i) Whilst the forum management acknowledges the fact that dead people have opinions too, these opinions tend to have a very negative slant when compared to those expressed by the living. We therefore kindly and firmly ask that the deceased refrain from posting on the open forum and from freaking me right out via the PM system, especially late at night.

[Amendment to sec15D(ii) as of 01/04/10] Please note, due to the vast number of near-fatal accidents in recent years, this forum now completely prohibits tombstoning, especially in the shallow end.

Smelling Mistakes

Mod man: Could all forum members please be aware of the new forum rules in regards to members arguing with themselfs.

Mod man: Don't you mean themselves?

Mod man: I do believe that "themselves" is the American pronunciation, whereas, this forum is UK based. I'm going to let your post stand as an example of how someone without Google can get it so wrong.

Mod man: I AM in the UK, I live in Budleigh Salterton. My point was about English grammar. American pronunciation is irrelevant. Pronunciation refers to the way a word or a language is spoken, whereas, grammar is the set of structural rules that govern the composition of sentences, phrases, and words in any given natural language.

Mod man: Yes, thankyou - I can get Wikipedia. I was already aware of the finer details of both pronunciation and grammar. We do have strict forum rules about pedantry, so I suggest that you make a full and unreserved apology for your error and we'll say no more about it. Otherwise, I'll have no option but to delete the thread and ban you.

Mod man: But YOU started the thread and it was YOUR error! What kind of forum is this?!

Mod man: Right! That's it! User name banned! AHA! Read it and weep, baby! God damn, that felt good.

Mod man: Amen.

Without You I'm Nothing

Living Ruff

Everything Must Go

Alan had absolutely no understanding of commercial revenue streams or target market demographics, but he did understand how to find people who were likely to want to buy some of his snot in a bottle, and then sell them some of his snot in a bottle.

Kick Out the Jams